5 Simple Ways to Say No Nicely

That's all very well, you might say, but how do I say no without seeming rude or aggressive? Is there a better way than just saying no bleakly?

The important thing to remember is that however you refuse the work, the word no should come first in the sentence. Unless it does the person you are speaking to will take it as a chink in your determination and assume that you can be talked round. However, if saying no on its own is too direct for you, temper it by providing a polite addition to the sentence. So, an example of refusing politely might be:

- no, I'm sorry but I can't help with the sale on Saturday
- no, I'm afraid I've got to finish this report
- no, we've already arranged to go out that evening
- no, I can't come round now.

If you are only refusing for that particular occasion you could add a modifying sentence such as:
- ... but I can help out next month
- ... but can we arrange to meet next week instead?
- ... but would you and Betty like to come to dinner on the 21st?
- ... but if it's urgent Sam might have time to do some of it (let Sam find his own excuse!).

An effective way of refusing is to acknowledge what the other person has said and then say why you can't do it. This shows that you realize the person has a genuine reason for asking for your help and so makes the refusal more acceptable. So, for example, you might say, 'You've obviously got a lot of work to do on that report, Sandra. But, no, I'm afraid my time is all spoken for.'

Assertion not aggression
You want to say no but you don't want to sound rude. You want to be firm but you don't want to sound aggressive. How can you do it?

Refusing to do something does not mean that you have to say so loudly and fiercely. But it might come out like that if you are not used to saying no. This is probably because you are nervous. After all, if you have been saying yes to everyone all your life, saying no takes a lot of courage. It may also be due to the fact that people are surprised at the new confident you and react differently. This makes you react more fiercely that you intended.

Don't be put off. Practise saying no at home in front of the mirror and into a tape recorder. Try to keep your voice firm but at a normal level. Speak clearly but confidently. This applies to all kinds of speaking. Make sure that you know why you are refusing so that you don't sound nervous.

If you are angry or annoyed with the other person you are in danger of refusing abruptly and rudely. Try the old trick of counting to ten before you say anything. This will calm you down and give you time to frame a suitably polite refusal.

The 'broken record' trick
Most people will accept your refusal with good grace and think none the worse of you for it. In fact they will probably respect you for having the courage to do what you know is right. But some people cannot accept refusals. They take it as a personal challenge to try and get you to change your mind. In that case you will have to resort to becoming a broken record. You do so by simply repeating no and your reasons in as many different ways as are necessary. Always starting with the word no, of course. In time, after hearing your refusal again and again, even the most persistent person will give in.

So you could be saying:
- no, I can't meet you on Tuesday
- no, I'm sorry but Tuesday's out of the question
- no, I'm afraid I'm busy on Tuesday
- no, Tuesday's impossible for me
- no, I've got no free time at all on Tuesday
- no, etc...

Say it with a smile
Most people can forgive a refusal if it is said in a pleasant manner and with a smile. A smile tells the person you are speaking to that you still like them. Your refusal is then accepted with good grace. Curiously, this works on the phone too. You might not think that a smile can be conveyed down a phone line but it can. People can pick up nuances of speech and tone of voice even at a distance. So your refusal with a smile over the phone will sound just that.

Say what you mean
Don't say maybe if you mean no otherwise the person you are speaking to will take this to mean that you are genuinely considering accepting. If you mean to refuse, do so. On the other hand, you may really need time to think about it. If so, ask for time to consider or consult your diary. But only do so if you really think that you might be able or want to do it.

If you need more information before you can make your mind up, ask for it straight away. Then you can decide quickly whether to refuse or accept.

When you give a reason for refusing, use a real reason such as ‘I haven't got any free time this month' rather than 'it's not my kind of thing'. Real reasons are acceptable; feeble excuses sound like what they are. If you just don't want to do it be honest and say 'I'm sorry, but it's not something I'd ever feel like doing'.

Don't make someone else an excuse for refusing. You can't nowadays say 'my partner won't let me' without sounding feeble. Saying ‘I can't because ...' emphasizes that it is your own decision based on your own priorities that deserve respect.

In all cases of refusal make the no firm but leave the listener with the impression that you are still pleased to have heard from them. No on its own is usually too bleak but the formulae suggested are acceptable and more open. Use no on its own for persistent, insensitive people or troublemakers.

Don't forget to say 'thank you'
On many occasions you will not be asked to do something but will be offered something that the other person thinks might please you, perhaps a different job, a trip to the theatre or the chance to go canoeing. On these occasions, if you want to refuse, your first words should be thank you. 'Thank you, that's a lovely idea, but I ...' is an acceptable formula. After all, the other person thinks they are doing you a favour and you want to make it clear that you appreciate the offer and leave the way open to further communication.

Trust your instincts - if you immediately think 'no' you are probably right.