Mastery, Achievement and the Effective Child

Justin was eighteen, clever, independent and confident. He was a very strong personality with a passion for motorbikes. He was a very talented moto-cross rider and had won many competitions. His parents were concerned about him, as they thought that he was at risk of becoming involved in drug-taking. There was no hard evidence of this, but Justin had moved out of home because of the repeated arguments and fights with his father over his lifestyle. The essence of the problem was that the mother wanted to know where Justin was, what he was doing and with whom, at all times. The mother took Justin's unwilling­ness to tell her as evidence that there was something to hide, while Justin took his mother and father's unwillingness to believe him as a lack of trust and confidence.

At a family meeting Justin was immediately isolated, uncon­sciously, by the parents and the father's hostility to Justin and his achievements was very evident. The mother's lack of trust manifested as helplessness, and lack of confidence in Justin to cope on his own. But it was clear that Justin would prefer to be at home with his parents, which is what they also wanted.

Although Justin was a strong character, who knew what he wanted and was extremely brave when it came to riding his motorbike, he was afraid of both his parents, though in differ­ent ways. By playing the 'vulnerable/helpless' card, Justin's mother had made him guilty and afraid of hurting or upsetting her, with the result that he was afraid of his mother's fear. His father was so threatened by Justin's independence, and the prospect of losing his position of primacy in the family, that he had frightened Justin away. The important issue here was Justin's fear, because it was allowing his parents to believe that their excessive control was legitimate, and therefore that they did not have to change.

Most of the work was with Justin and it centred on two things. It was necessary to get him to accept that he did not have the right to control his parents, but that if he changed his attitude towards them they would change towards him. We concentrated on getting Justin to see and accept his parents as they were, and to accept that they had the right to be that way. At the same time, we got him to 'psychologically beat up' his father, without in any way denigrating or judging him. When Justin realised that it was OK to disagree with his father and that he did not always need his mother's permission, he became less afraid and more open with his parents. They in turn began to see him differently and were more willing to trust his judgment.